Why I feel lost

My son and I lost a wonderful father and husband in the early morning hours of Saturday, 27th August 2016.  The night before we stood side by side next to John’s bedside and said our quiet good-byes.  He was unresponsive by then.  The day before as he was barely able to response to questions – I told him I loved him and he replied back that he loved me as well.  Those are our last words to each other.  Every part of me wanted to reach in to him and grab him and keep him here.  But all I could do was watch him slip away.  The hum in the house was active with doctors and nurses, friends and family.  I was just numb and quiet.  How are you suppose to respond?  I’m not a “diva” and I just don’t go around screaming about how I feel.  It was like entering a fog.  Plans had already been made and I knew what I had to accomplish soon.  So, I didn’t need to really think on it and ask what I should do.  I just knew.  My priority was my son.  He needed to see me strong and able.

The following Tuesday we had a private family cremation.  We put John in the cheapest box of MDF and we drew pictures and wrote loving message on his coffin.  We left a glass of his favourite port on top and said our good-byes with spoken words, written words and words of song.  John used to sing to our son “The Marvellous  Toy”.  My son remembered his father singing him that song when he was young.  And we all sang and wept.

Then we had the memorial for others to attend.  It took me hours to put pictures together for a slideshow – 45 minutes long.  I cried my heart out and was very drained by putting that together.  But in the end I was proud of the product and happy I put so much time into it.

But now, I need to get on with it.  It’s just past Christmas now and I need to get a job and be the single parent watching over our child of 15 years.

If my words can reach you John….. we love you with all our hearts.  We miss you and hope to make you proud of us.